Arthur's Armor
by Fan of Fan Fic
Summary: An extraordinarily life-like play by play of Merlin's life. ARTHUR TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF!
1. Armor Polishing

**Disclaimer: Don't Own it. **

Merlin was having one hell of a day. Of course, Arthur was the main cause, after all what's worse than having to polish armor, honestly? Hardest task on the planet! But it didn't help that Morgana had woken him up inexplicably at 3 in the morning to explain to him, once again, that she had had a nightmare about her magical abilities and he couldn't possibly understand or help her, or that Gwen insisted on having secret meetings in random dark corners in ordzer to piss and moan about all the gorgeously handsome men she had fawning over her, or that Gaius had found another impossibly disgusting task that involved copious amounts of vulgar slime and foul odors which Merlin was beginning to suspect was a favorite past time of the old coot - what's the most disgusting thing merlin will do out of desperation to remain here and fulfill his destiny?-. Gaius, he decided, was a jerk. It also kinda sucked that there was always the possibility on any given day that Uther might suddenly decide to have him beheaded. But polishing Arthur's armor was definitely the worst.

"Aren't you done yet?" Arthur drawled, lazily swaggering into Merlin's room without so much as a knock. "You're SUCH an IDIOT."

Merlin attempted to feel truly wronged and insulted by the implication that he wasn't capable of polishing his master's suit in a timely manner, but even that was too difficult for him so he settled for just admiring Arthur's cheekiness and agree that he was indeed an idiot.

Arthur seem unsatisphied with merlin's complaisant response. "Well... you can tidy up my room next! HA!"

"What? Noooo!" whined Merlin, suddenly devestated. " THAT'S the WORST!"

"And then you can join me in it," Said Arthur.

"What?" Asked Merlin

"What?" Arthur scratched the back of his head, "nothing, what are you on about? Idiot..." He wandered off, admiring his reflection in every window he passed.

Merlin stared after him and jumped when he realized that Guinevere was standing next to him. "Hey?" He said, "Gwen... are you crying?"

She dabbed preciously at her cheek with his neckerchief- which was blue today- and sniffed loudly. "Its just so hard, Merlin," She said, "I don't know how I became so utterly cursed."

"Cursed," He was skeptical.

"Oh you know... Lancelot... Arthur... Even you, I think. I'm just so cursed by all of my good looks and charms."

"You did get a LOT sexier in this season," He admitted. Gwen glared at him.

"This isn't funny, Merlin. I'm really beating myself up about this,"

"You're getting my neckerchief all gooey." He grimaced, "And it's still kind of sexy."

"...Everyone just loves me so much. Morgana keeps trying to find reasons to hug me.."

Merlin sighed. Couldn't she see he had problems of his own? "That must be hell for you. But we're all having a difficult time lately."

"oh.. I'm sorry Merlin. Are you having a... troubled love life as well?"

"Not exactly. But I had to polish Arthurs armor again today."

Gwen stared at him. "Is that hard?"

"HARDEST chore on the planet, Gwen." he informed her incredulously.

"Really? I had no idea..."

"Yeah... well... my life is more difficult than you think."

She gazed at him wistfully... and then broke down in sobs.

"Oh good god," Merlin rolled his eyes.

"I just don't know who I love," She wept, "I mean I really FEEL Lancelot... but... I have eyes and Arthur is..."

"Yeah," Merlin agreed, "He is. Now can you go cry somewhere else? I have a LOT of work to do. I'm polishing Arthur's armor, you know."

Gwen ran off to go cry in a dark corner. Merlin began the arduous task of polishing Arthur's armor but it wasn't long before he could feel breathing down the back of his neck.

"Morgana!" He snapped, "I am REALLY fatigued by this job I'm doing right now! I don't have time for you!"

"Merlin... You don't understand," Morgana scoffed, "No one does! I'm magical! And I'm having a really hard time focusing on it when Gwen is off looking out windows and weeping into the curtains. I've been having these dreams, you see..."

"Morgana," Merlin threw Arthur's armor on the floor and magically made a cloth begin to clean it for him, "Look! I'm magic! I get it! It's not really that bad."

Morgana, of course, was not looking. "Oh Merlin, of course you have a magical quality about you. I get it. But I'm talking about REAL magic..."

"Well I'm talking about REAL exhaustion." He said, "Awwwwwr, this armor will take FOREVER at this rate. Even watching my rag magically clean it is draining my strength."

"Thank you, Merlin." Morgana siad, a bit tearfully. "I know you'll never really understand... but its good to know you care." She left.

Merlin had just gotten back into the stride of watching his magical rag magically polish the armor when Uther stepped into the room.

"Hello Arthur's servant who I would never suspect of practicing magic ever, even though everytime there's magic afoot you're in the thick of it. Can we talk about how much I trust you because you're not a wizard?"

Merlin kicked the magical rag in frustration, which magically told him to 'fuck off'. "Doesn't ANYONE ever knock?"

"Why?" Uther's subconcious seemed to be stubbornly ignoring the magical armor polishing in progress. " Am I interrupting something?"

"Yeah.. I am TRYING to magically polish some armor here!"

"Ha ha." He chuckled regally. "Good one Merlin. Don't worry. I get it. You've got a lady friend in here, haven't you?" He waved at the curtains to where he seemed to think the girl was hiding. "Hello Gaius. Don't worry. I'll leave you two love birds alone."

Merlin stared at the curtains mortified for a second before remembering that the king was dillusional.

"But I really do need to talk to you. Meet me in the royal throne room in an hour."


	2. Magical Plague

**A/N. Apologies for the loooong wait. **

One hour later:

Merlin entered Uther's royal throne room, utterly exhausted from the toils of armor polishing and room tidying, with the magic rag at his heels.

"Merlin!" Uther exclaimed, "We need to talk... About magic. Now, I know you're wondering 'Why does Uther want to talk to ME about magic?'"

"Um..." Merlin looked down at the magical rag- which was spewing magical stars and sparklies as it stood there. It looked back at him and shrugged.

"I'll tell you why. Its because I think you're comical and I get a laugh out of watching you mess things up. So I'm giving you a mission, Merlin, a MAGICAL mission. There is a MAGICAL plague, ravaging this land."

"Magical plague?"

"From magical rats of course."

"Magical rats..." Merlin repeated, with unhidden doubt. "Don't you think that's a bit-"

"Magical?" Uther supplied, readily. "Indeed!"

"Umm..."

"I know exactly what you're thinking." The king announced, rising from his throne to pace the room with a pensive hand stroking his chin. "Protecting the land from evil magic rats? Why that's Arthur's job- right?" He rounded on Arthur's servant.

"Oh... uh..." Merlin struggled to find something to say. It was very difficult, and he wished magic could solve the problem for him, but alas there were no spells to make him brighter so he gave up.

Uther didn't particularly care, however. He preferred listening to his own voice anyways. "Ah yes..." He wandered over to a window and gazed out upon his lands. He stood like this for a good solid three minutes before it became stunningly apparant that he'd forgotten what he was talking about. "Anyways," He sighed. "Go do whatever it is I just told you to do."

"Yes sire..." Merlin turned to leave, scratching his head in confusion.

"And Merlin?"

He turned back. "What?"

"Don't forget your rag friend."

"Magic plague!" Arthur scoffed. " That is just like you, Merlin."

Merlin had just finished explaining what Uther had ordered him to do, and was still very confused- about many things but the plague thing in particular. "What?"

"To blame _magic _for all the world's problems." He laughed, as if it were a jovial matter, and stroked Merlin's neckerchief. "...Silly goose!"

Merlin shuddered. "Yeah... so I thought maybe- because you're the prince and all, you might... You know..."

"Do I?" He smiled.

"Save the kingdom..." Merlin finished, because it appeared he needed to.

"Oh." Arthur seemed disappointed, and pouted for a bit.

"So..." The young wizard waited for the prince and future king of camelot to come up with a brilliant solution. "...Will you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Save Camelot?"

Arthur groaned. "We did that yesterday! AND the day before. Saving Camelot is sooo boring!" He flopped down on his bed, clutching his prince arthur doll. "I think I'll just sit here and pout for a while."

Merlin stared at him for a long moment until Arthur broke the silence by realizing something that was simply horrifying.

"MY RED STUDDED JACKET!" He exclaimed. He ran to his closet and threw open the door, "Where is it?"

Merlin frowned with deep, puzzled, angsty disappointment.

"I left it in here yesterday!" Arthur whimpered quite poutilly, "The red one? With the studs? Have you seen it, Merlin, have you?"

"I know the jacket, Arthur," Merlin glared at the prince, "I thought we were off to save the day or something."

"No.." Arthur retorted, "I don't think so."

"Well we were still discussing it." Merlin bargained, "It was definitely still in talks."

"Not with out my jacket it's not," Arthur assured him. He fell to his knees and began searching under his bed, "Its the one with the studs, Merlin. Help me look!"

"I think I may have seen Guinevere sniffing it earlier." Merlin admitted. God he hated knowing these things.

Arthur stood back up abruptly. "Really? Was she... enjoying it?"

Merlin scratched his head, "I think she was crying."

There was a long pause in which Arthur considered this with a pout. At last he gave a slight shudder and said "ew. girl tears. We must rescue my jacket immediately.. and by 'We' I mean 'YOU.' Because I'm being fitted for a new jacket this morning... it's going to be blue... with studs." He winked at Merlin, "It's going to match that neckerchief nicely."

"Oh.." Merlin tried to avoid Arthur's predatory gaze, "Um... that's nice."

"Yes," Said Arthur as he passed Merlin to leave the room, "It is."

Merlin found Guinevere in one of her usual crying spots- Lancelot's shoulder. She and Lancelot were down in the dungeons, trying to hide their obvious attraction to each other.

"Um... Gwen?" Merlin said quietly, feeling like he was interuppting a very tender moment.

"Merlin!" Lancelot straightened up and Guinevere jumped about a yard away from him. "We were just... uh... well, Guinevere here got lost in the dungeons and..."

"I need Arthur's Jacket." Merlin said, noting that the red studded gear Lancelot was rocking looked suspiciously familiar.

"No!" Guinevere grabbed Lancelot and the jacket protectively. "I'll have my cake and eat it too!"

Merlin didn't really understand what she was on about, and decided that was probably for the best. "Sure..." He said. "There's probably some cake somewhere in this castle. Just give me the jacket and I'll go find you some. um..." He trailed off. Guinevere was growling at him, and not in a sexy way either. "... uhhh..." He backed away slowly. "Lancelot, can you maybe help me out a little?"

Lancelot looked uncertainly at his really-really-good-friend-who-was-a-girl-but-they-were-just-friends-in-a-completely-platonic-way and took her hand. "Oh lovliest gwen-" He faltered. "I mean... um... my good friend Gwen-" He glanced at Merlin to see if he was putting on a convincing act. He wasn't, but Merlin didn't seem to care. Enboldened, the ex-knight continued. "...Gwenny-poo, don't you think we should give Arthur his jacket back?"

"No!"

"But... Honeysweetpeapumpkinepie!...I don't really understand why I'm wearing the jacket at all..." He lowered his voice to a stage whisper. "I mean... It's me you like... right?"

Guinevere began to cry. "I...I...I like the idea of you," she eventually managed to sob out.

Lancelot looked sexily confused.

"The jacket." Merlin reminded them, "Give me the jacket."

"But... appleblossomsugarboo..." Lancelot continued, ignoring Merlin. "I thought we were going to run away together."

"I like that idea too..." She sniffed. "I'd just like it a lot more if there was more Arthur in that plan..."

"But-"

Merlin's eye twitched. "I NEED THE JACKET!"

Suddenly there was a scurrying, scratching sound as a mini stampede began their approach.

"Oh my god!" Guinevere clung to Lancelot. Her eyes widened as the first of the pests came into view. "Magic rats!"

"I'll protect you my love- er- friend!" Lancelot withdrew his sword and tried to impale the rodents. "They're too small, I'll never be able to kill them!"

_I must do something..._ Thought Merlin. While Gwen and Lancelot were distracted his eyes started glowing, and he whispered a spell. "Spaghettius tupperwareias..."

"Huh?" Lancelot looked at his sword in puzzlement. "My sword is getting... smaller..."

"I'd say its the perfect weapon..." Merlin remarked,"Just the right size for rat slaying."

"Er..." Lancelot was skeptical, but the rats were now clawing at their legs. He attempted to poke one. "Hey!" Lancelot's face lit up. "It works! It really works- uh oh..." Another rat ran up and grabbed the perfect rat sized weapen from Lancelot's hand and began squeaking something about avenging his fallen comrade.

"They're rallying!" Lancelot gasped. "Run! Run for your lives!"

They all ran out of the dungeon as fast as they could, leaving the magic rats to devour the unfortunate guardsmen who were just having one of those days.


End file.
